How Did Shame Become So Toxic
The words emotion and motivation share a common Latin root: movere, which means "to move." Emotions can serve to put us in motion or keep us stuck in our tracks. Among emotions, shame proves to be particularly immobilizing, leaving us feeling stuck and powerless.
What is Shame?
Shame is the feeling of being fundamentally unworthy of love and belonging. To understand shame, it is helpful to differentiate it from guilt. Guilt is the feeling we get when we've done something bad - an action or behavior. Shame is the feeling we get when we believe we are bad. Shame can be intensely painful and debilitating. Rather than motivating us toward positive change, shame often leads to self-destructive behaviors and contributes to mental and physical health problems.
The Evolutionary Purpose of Shame
Like all of our emotions, shame evolved to fulfill a specific function in human society. Humans are inherently social creatures. For most of our existence on this planet we lived in small, tightly knit groups. Our survival has always depended more on community than individuality. Within this context, shame developed as a powerful mechanism to ensure social cohesion by motivating individuals to conform to social norms. The intensity of shame reflects its evolutionary importance: our ancestors' very survival hinged on maintaining their status as valued members of the group.
How did shame become so toxic?
Today, we no longer live in small, intimate groups. The transformation of our social context has altered how shame functions. The very characteristics that once made shame effective for fostering social cohesion now make it susceptible to use as a tool for manipulation, control, and silencing both individuals and entire populations.
In contemporary society, shame is used by people in positions of power to advance their own interests at the expense of others, to silence dissent, and to deflect attention from their own misconduct. We can see this play out at every level of society—from the highest levels of political, religious, and corporate power, right down to the playground bully. By triggering feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy, one person or group can effectively manipulate and silence others.
Shame itself has undergone a perverse inversion. What once served to bind us together in cohesive social groups, is now easily manipulated and used to divide us and keep us in check.
Recognizing and Overcoming Toxic Shame
All human emotions are vulnerable to manipulation. Most people recognize how fear can be weaponized, but fewer understand the more insidious weaponization of shame. As a somatic sex and relationship coach, helping people identify and overcome the ways in which shame holds them back is a cornerstone of my work. No aspect of human experience proves more vulnerable to shame-based manipulation than our sexuality. If you're interested in learning more about liberating yourself from the constraints of toxic shame, I invite you to connect with me.
